Mrs. America

So tonight I turned on my t.v. at the regular time, hoping to catch the nightly rerun of one of my favorite shows, Early Edition (show about a guy who gets tomorrow's newspaper today, delivered by a cat -- Kyle Chandler, the series star, has old-movie good looks and a Jimmy Stewart-esqe, self-deprecating style [if only he were Jewish, and single, and a little bit younger …, but I digress]), and lo and behold, the Pax network had instead decided to air the Mrs. America pageant.

Now pageants are funny spectacles to begin with, and Mrs. America has got to be the most ridiculous of all. I'm not particularly into designer clothes, or high heels, or bikinis, or plastic surgery, and I certainly don't believe it's appropriate to judge women by the way they parade around in swimsuits, and claim to be running a "scholarship competition," but I find pageants highly entertaining. The laugh factor of these extravaganzas was hilariously portrayed in the Sandra Bullock movie "Miss Congeniality." If you are female and have not yet seen this movie, then you are missing out big time. (My favorite line in the movie was delivered by Candace Bergman, who was listing the categories of people who are anti-pageant, er "scholarship competition," … "intellectuals, feminists, ugly women.")

It is particularly ridiculous to watch grown women behaving as if they are still trying out to be high school prom queen. The makeup, the fake nails, the sequins -- do these women know it's 2004? The highlight of the competition (at least for me) was the part in which each contestant pranced down the runway (which was suspended over a swimming pool, and darn it, nobody fell in) dressed in a costume that represented some aspect of her state. Mrs. New Hampshire was a ladybug. Mrs. Georgia was a phoenix rising from the ashes. Mrs. Oklahoma was an oil derrick -- I'm not kidding. Amongst all the Vegas-style costumes (including Mrs. Washington representing the skyline of Seattle -- and would you believe, she won best costume?), I was proud that Mrs. West Virginia was tastefully dressed in a silver-gray shorts outfit, carrying a hard hat, to represent the coal miners of WV. Of course she lost.

And by the way, Mrs. Louisiana won Mrs. Congeniality. I didn't watch till the end to find out who won the crown, but I didn't need to.

All together now: open mouths with shock and exhilaration, lift manicured hands to face, fanning them furiously to ward off that wellspring of tears that will smear the makeup. Praise the Lord several times. Hug a few fellow contestants for show, and blow kisses to the audience. Cue the music … fade out.