Deep thoughts, random insights, and musings by Susan Jacobs

Monday, September 27, 2004

Mrs. America

So tonight I turned on my t.v. at the regular time, hoping to catch the nightly rerun of one of my favorite shows, Early Edition (show about a guy who gets tomorrow's newspaper today, delivered by a cat -- Kyle Chandler, the series star, has old-movie good looks and a Jimmy Stewart-esqe, self-deprecating style [if only he were Jewish, and single, and a little bit younger …, but I digress]), and lo and behold, the Pax network had instead decided to air the Mrs. America pageant.

Now pageants are funny spectacles to begin with, and Mrs. America has got to be the most ridiculous of all. I'm not particularly into designer clothes, or high heels, or bikinis, or plastic surgery, and I certainly don't believe it's appropriate to judge women by the way they parade around in swimsuits, and claim to be running a "scholarship competition," but I find pageants highly entertaining. The laugh factor of these extravaganzas was hilariously portrayed in the Sandra Bullock movie "Miss Congeniality." If you are female and have not yet seen this movie, then you are missing out big time. (My favorite line in the movie was delivered by Candace Bergman, who was listing the categories of people who are anti-pageant, er "scholarship competition," … "intellectuals, feminists, ugly women.")

It is particularly ridiculous to watch grown women behaving as if they are still trying out to be high school prom queen. The makeup, the fake nails, the sequins -- do these women know it's 2004? The highlight of the competition (at least for me) was the part in which each contestant pranced down the runway (which was suspended over a swimming pool, and darn it, nobody fell in) dressed in a costume that represented some aspect of her state. Mrs. New Hampshire was a ladybug. Mrs. Georgia was a phoenix rising from the ashes. Mrs. Oklahoma was an oil derrick -- I'm not kidding. Amongst all the Vegas-style costumes (including Mrs. Washington representing the skyline of Seattle -- and would you believe, she won best costume?), I was proud that Mrs. West Virginia was tastefully dressed in a silver-gray shorts outfit, carrying a hard hat, to represent the coal miners of WV. Of course she lost.

And by the way, Mrs. Louisiana won Mrs. Congeniality. I didn't watch till the end to find out who won the crown, but I didn't need to.

All together now: open mouths with shock and exhilaration, lift manicured hands to face, fanning them furiously to ward off that wellspring of tears that will smear the makeup. Praise the Lord several times. Hug a few fellow contestants for show, and blow kisses to the audience. Cue the music … fade out.


  • At September 28, 2004 at 1:43 AM, Blogger Sarah said…

    hee hee.

    An oil derrick???

    What the--?


  • At November 4, 2005 at 8:53 PM, Blogger Hoodia said…

    Help me Dude, I think I'm lost..... I was searching for Elvis and somehow ended up in your blog, but you know I'm sure I saw him in a car lot yesterday, which is really strange because the last time I saw him was in the supermarket. No honest really, he was right there in front of me, next to the steaks singing "Love me Tender". He said to me (his lip was only slightly curled) "Boy, you need to get yourself a San Diego cosmetic surgery doctor ,to fit into those blue suede shoes of yours. But Elvis said in the Ghetto nobody can afford a San Diego plastic surgery doctor. Dude I'm All Shook Up said Elvis. I think I'll have me another cheeseburger. Then I'm gonna go round and see Michael Jackson and we're gonna watch a waaaay cool make-over show featuring some Tijuana dentists on the TV in the back of my Hummer. And then he just walked out of the supermarket singing. . . "You give me love and consolation,
    You give me strength to carry on " Strange day or what? :-)

  • At November 15, 2005 at 9:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i agree pageants are funny but how about the grown men knocking each other on the ground chasing after a little ball? so give let us give the same respect (if that's what it is called) to pageants. thank goodness the beautiful mrs. america waved her hands to prevent the tears or everyone would be talking about the mascara running etc. you have to admit that Mrs. America is an outstanding beautiful married woman. I thought her two children were so cute. stay tuned for the mrs. world competition. has an american every won mrs. world. why in the world am i asking you. you probably won't accidentally watch it on WE will you or will you turn the channel to espn and watch that mind vs mind competition.

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